Know. Like. Trust.

The order nobody gets to skip

I spent a full day in a workshop last month with someone whose writing I've long admired.

I already knew him a little. Liked him more than a little, from his books and an earlier talk. Trusted what he said - he's the kind of person who's honest with himself, which tends to make people honest with everyone else too. A strong starting point, before the day even began.

By the end of it, I knew him better. I still trusted him - if anything, more. But my like score had dipped, just slightly. Nothing dramatic. A few unguarded moments over eight hours will do that to anyone. I still like the man. I just liked him a fraction less than I had at breakfast.

It made me think about how rarely we separate these three things - knowing, liking, trusting - when in truth they move independently, and not always in the direction we'd expect.

The three gates

Nobody wakes up and decides to trust a brand, a business, or a person. They arrive at trust through three gates, one at a time, and there's no shortcut through the middle one.

First, they have to know you exist. Then they have to like what they find. Only then - and only if you keep proving it - do they trust you enough to buy, and to stay.

Someone will always say it depends on the stakes, and they're right. Toothpaste doesn't demand the scrutiny a car does - the cost of a wrong choice isn't so great. But the principle holds regardless. And for anyone in the business of relationships - financial advisors, consultants, healthcare, hospitality, or a brand strategist who'd like you to trust him with something as fragile as your positioning - the order isn't optional. You can't sell your way backwards through it.

Seven hours, eleven touchpoints, four places

This was the topic in our Lighthouse LIVE cohort session this week, and it sparked one of the better conversations we've had. Three questions did most of the work:

What do you want to be known for, that you're not currently known for?

Why would someone choose to spend an hour with you over anyone else in your field?

What have you done lately that proves you keep your word - even when no one was watching?

We also talked about Daniel Priestley's research: a stranger needs roughly seven hours with you, across eleven touchpoints, in four different places, before they're ready to say yes. It sounds like a lot until you notice it's really just an honest account of how any relationship forms. Most of us try to shortcut it. We want the sale before we've earned the like. We want the like before anyone even knows we're there.

From my years in advertising, selling ideas to occasionally recalcitrant clients, I know you don't need to be liked, or even trusted, to sell something. Think of a flight from A to B at the one time that works for you - there's no other option, so trust barely enters into it. But it helps. It always helps.

Which brings me back to that workshop. Would the dip in my "like" score matter to the man himself? Probably not - he doesn't need me, specifically, to like him, and no one can be all things to all people. But to the people who are meaningful to your business, keeping the three aligned matters enormously.

In Dim Sum Strategy I wrote that a brand is a promise. You earn trust the same way every time: by keeping that promise, and delivering against it, consistently, everywhere, every time.

Sounds simple. It rarely is.

Warmly,
Peter

P.S. — Which gate are you actually stuck at right now: known, liked, or trusted? Reply and tell me — I read every one.